A Master commands respect not through force or intimidation, but through the character he demonstrates every day. For my measure, this rests on three foundations: Integrity, composure, and his regard for others. Please also consider the following advice from... "A Dom's Point of View." ~ seph.
✶ Always maintain Your slave’s self-esteem
This means don't question her submission, surrender, commitment, devotion, dedication, loyalty, integrity, sexual skills, appearance, or her ability to satisfy or make You happy, etc. Especially not as a part of play. This is a common problem for new, inexperienced Masters. Don't criticize her value as Your slave. This cuts her to the core and is not part of being firm and strict. It undercuts her self-value and will not endear her to You in the slightest. Even women who crave humiliation play want to be good at it. Push her buttons by all means, but not that one.
✶ Always keep Your love present in her mind
If you are playing Your hold over her effectively, You will keep her thinking about You. Perhaps it is with some trinket You require her to wear. Or some article of clothing You don't allow. Or a ritual You require her to perform regularly. Or a symbol that she wears or has nearby. There must be something.
She is like a kite. You need to tag a tail onto her for stability and hang her from a string, which binds her to You. It's okay to let out more string at some times or pull her in close to You at others. But she needs that stability...that is why she is there.
✶ Never reward lousy behavior
New Masters often use punishment to justify what we do. But when the slave begins to feel that she must misbehave to get what she wants (a yummy spanking, for example), her Master is headed down a very difficult path. He will quickly lose any semblance of control over her. She's a slut puppy, after all. We all are. So, she will misbehave until she can't stand any more fun. And it will be the type of fun she wants, when and how she wants it.
Sounds like she's Topping from the bottom, right? You got it. It's okay for her to have some fun, get into trouble, and be punished for fun. As an occasional sideline, it's a fun role-play. But the Master needs to be in control.
✶ The punishment fits the crime, and ✶ Never strike in anger
If she is naughty, within the scope of having the Master’s permission to be naughty, she gets play punishment, which both want in the first place. It's an elaborate dance that both enjoy. But if she is naughty without having permission. Or if she has done something outside of their collar agreement (or understanding, if there is no collar agreement), then play is not the consequence.
Masters don't withhold sex to punish...if You do, You will quickly build a dysfunctional relationship with tremendous problems. Don't go there. But You also don't give sexual satisfaction as a reward for doing something You didn't want her to do. The key here is that the bad behavior wasn't appropriate, but sex isn't a part of the solution.
Talking about the problem, letting her know that You aren't pleased (without damaging her self-esteem), and giving her the chance to gain forgiveness will resolve the immediate issue. It will also help her understand that she should not repeat that behavior in the future.
By the way...striking in anger is abuse. It doesn't matter if it is online or real life. She will know what is going on from your mannerisms and language.
My advice to slaves who have experienced this is to run and tell everyone they know. A Master without self-control is dangerous to his partners and our community and needs to be sanctioned until his behavior changes.
Another piece of this puzzle is finding an appropriate punishment for a play offense (given the above rules about maintaining self-esteem and having permission to be naughty). Some that are NOT appropriate include not letting her talk to her friends online, anything real-life dangerous, anything real-life that may cause her to get into significant trouble if caught, and anything that may "out" a person who wants to maintain privacy. Sound judgment is required.
Appropriate punishments: setting her to a variety of tasks, which can include something she doesn't like to do and puts off (cleaning the bathroom?), sending her on a hunt for something hard to find, inexpensive (unless she's filthy rich, in which case you need to introduce me!) But that would give You some pleasure.
Give her a task that makes a gesture. How about a wax impression of her belly button? If You've done Your homework and know what makes her monkey jump, the right task will be easy to find.
Be careful that it isn't too easy...also be careful that it isn't too demanding or difficult (e.g. wake up every hour, on the hour, and send Me an email...even more unrealistic if she is married, has kids, works, etc). Again, use Your judgment.
✶ Be honest
This one goes without saying. But You see it is violated all the time. Are you 5'2"? Don't tell her you are 6' 6". Heavy set? Be honest. Balding? Same thing. If your relationship goes well, You may meet at some point...You never know. It's hard to fake that extra 14 inches in real life. I know some people think online is about fantasy, and it is, but first and foremost, it's about people. Real people. Real trust. Real feelings. So, tell the truth.
Could this mean that the 23-year-old Playboy model won't drool all over You? Yep. It could mean that. And it could mean that You are exactly what she is looking for. I'll guarantee You that what she isn't looking for is a liar. So, take the plunge and be honest.
People told Me they didn't want to play with Me for various reasons, and I was disappointed. But I'm also honest, and I don't want a partner who doesn't accept Me or what I am. And I don't want to have to live a lie here online. It is the one place we all can afford the luxury of being brutally honest and still being accepted. Why mess with that?
✶ Be ready to learn
You will never know everything. The world of BDSM is too large. There are physical techniques to master; there are mental techniques to master. Every partner and every play party brings You new opportunities to learn and for You and Your partner to enjoy.
✶ Be ready to teach
Teach where You can. Share. I am greatly in debt to those who have taught me, Dom, Domme, and submissive alike. Don't be arrogant. Be patient, and be willing to share. And remember that You learn as much by teaching as You do by studying.
✶ Be ready to love
Yep, the L-word. It leads to commitment, to caring, to exposing Yourself emotionally, and to happiness. M/s can become your world. But you have to be open to it.
✶ Give back to the community
This is the rule where I wave the flag and sing our anthem. The online community, the real-life community, has created an environment where You can learn and enjoy what Your nature propels You to. In many ways, You could not be whole without it.
Don't take it for granted. Participate, organize, and contribute your talents to the extent that You can. You'll find Your efforts rewarded. What we do is all about people, so be one. And remember: safe, sane, and consensual.
~ by Ragnarok, Dominance and Submission: A Dom's Point of View.
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